Always waiting for it to rain.
A lot of new things.
There have been new things happening in my life lately. Mainly being that my new baby brother was born. His name is Kai Finn. Cute, eh? I’ll try and get a picture of him as soon as I possibly can.
Ask me stuff!
I hope you read this.
I never wanted to hurt you, make you cry, make you feel like you couldn’t depend on me. I never wanted you to assume that I would leave each time I came back. But I guess I’ve become predictable. I want you in my life. I need you in my life. But I am so confused and broken, it’s beyond repair. I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I don’t know how to be the girl you fell in love with. I don’t know how to fix myself like I used to. It seems as though the world has just given up on me and, now the one person that I swore I would never hurt, I’m pushing away because I am too scared to be myself again. I became this independent, mindless drone because that’s what my family wanted and needed from me. That’s what my school needed from me. That’s what I thought I needed. But I don’t know how to turn it off. I’m stuck in this constant motion of the same routine every day. Get up, bitch about my life, hate myself, look in the mirror and think “I’m getting too fat” and then do nothing about it but sit there and eat and text, and lastly, fall asleep without a smile on my face. I miss the days when I did something random and exciting and I didn’t care what anyone had to say. I miss breaking the rules. I miss holding your hand and knowing deep down to my core that we were the lucky ones, that we would make it to the end of forever. I know that I still feel that way. I know that I am still deeply in love with you. I just don’t know how to bring the old me back. I want to. But I’m afraid.
You told me you missed him, and that you thought about him all the time. And I told you I missed him, and thought about him too. But I’ve come to realize that I love you more than I ever loved him. I love the real you, the one that you’ve shown me, the one that you’ve worked hard to bring out of you’re shell. Yes, you’re different. No, you’re not the same person I originally fell in love with. But you are the person that completely stole my heart all over again. I can’t explain it. And I probably will never be able to. But I am still madly in love with you. I just don’t know how to show it anymore. I’ve become someone I’m not in the process of trying to be someone that I am. If that makes any sense. I hope you understand this. I feel as though you won’t have any problems, seeing as you understand almost everything I say [even when I don’t understand it myself].
Text me when you get this, if you haven’t texted already. I’ve got two messages and I’m afraid to look at them for fear that neither of them are you. I miss you already. And we need to talk about this because I’m a fool for letting you go.
UGHUGHUGH
You know what urkes me? People that can view your text messages online. Shouldn’t texting be private? Yes. Should parents be able to see what you’re saying to your friends? No. Granted, you probably shouldn’t be sexting or any of those kinds of things, but at the same time…it happens.
I just found out that my mom can view my text messages on our phone profile online and I am no longer a happy camper. This is..not good at all. She’ll be able to see everything that I’m saying to people and then I’ll have my phone taken away forever. Or at least until I’m eighteen and can afford to pay for my own phone. Oh wait. I already DO pay for my own phone. Let’s hope she doesn’t look at anything. Because God only knows what she’s going to find and use against me.
